night residue

We have allowed lies to infiltrate our fragmented mentality and become truth, we have allowed mediocrity to become the majority;
yet we ask what happened to this society and its youth.

wtf

“how can you learn to let go when you’ve been conditioned to hold onto everything”

the sum of one

how could you ever think that zero was better than one
I mean in terms of a young man; one father to me was better than none any day
the holy father will always be; his essence isn't obligated to be counted as any number except totality
but while you were young and I was too, you obligated yourself to another family and never looked back
brother heroin, sister coke and father time
having revivals every night
while I grew and matured you wallowed and stood
stagnate, white dwarf hanging in the evening sky
your light slowly fading as the years pass you by
and here I exist;your oldest son
-magnificent; transcendent of my genetic demise
wings flapping; like an ancient warrior riding on the back of a dragon
rising from the flames of scorched souls and bad habits
I am in rewind, thinking of all the good times and memories inside
but I am stuck on zero
lonely tree standing in the woods, cleansing fire came through
young; loose cannon with no direction; just hate fueled by rejection, loneliness and loss of aspiration

my soul forced to love alone, I was scared but now I'm grown

so now, as I stand above you, I can see that death can bring life

your spirit has taken on the shape of another and the winds pick up outside

- litter blows by the sidewalk stoop, a car horn blows nearby, 

- an old man is asking for change and the morning whistle of the first train blows out of south station - 

you are free to fly amongst the birds in the sky

free to gaze at the world passing you by

all that anger and conflicted emotion has been thrown to the side

and I can finally smile
the sum of one will always be one
when there's nothing added to it

Gil Scott-Heron Sunlight| April 1, 1949 Sunset| May 27, 2011

I'm stuck

silence...
nothing but the whispers
whispers of ghosts in the dark damp night
sound
in the darkness
my hands are bound

watch me as I spin round and

round

possessed; flesh ravished by demon hounds

not a hint of light can be found

trapped in a box 

6 feet 

under/ground

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm losing my mind 

my heart has taken over my  thoughts and...

it's reminding me of what I cannot hide

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

bottomless pit; heads on a stick

above ground, pigs; but here, humans on the spit

roasting and choking

getting fat on the apple

soul slowly pouring out like candle wax

leaks on the napkin; 

what happened you ask

why am I in such a place

sold my soul some time ago 

Egyptian woman/hourglass shape

she'd showed me love and the path to worldly things

our lives interlaced like ink on the skin

there was a child born of the second summer in fact

babe had eyes the mother but born with wings on its back

death traded the child's first breath for its last

the weight of the world bore down on poor mothers soul

and in the fall her body hung cold

found by my reflection

and screams of rejection

rejection that the reflection would not remain lonely for long

I would follow her to this new purgatory home

because a life taken before it's time

will sleep eternally with a restless mind

and she could never alone bear this burden of mine!

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm 

stuck

...

..

we are together again

finish my sentence

I am...

simplicity

in whispers

just the thought of being able to hear your voice again -
brings tears to my eyes
So instead I;
think out loud
in whispers

palindrome

:staying alive:
mind
body
soul
barely able to carry me through
I stay lifted
beyond necessity
my third eye stays clouded shrouded in sadness
due to the absence of her; seeping from my skin
the pain shows true
I am lost
like a babe in the woods with no sense of mind to find his way home to his palindrome:

labyrinth

Sometimes, I don't have words for the way that I feel and I have to rely on images and other types of mediums to get me through a blank spot. My words usually come, raw and uncensored or detailed and organized. Either way, they are the words that I use to relay to the world my thoughts and emotions, simply put, how I feel inside. Loss of something or someone is hard to overcome. You can choose to forget and move on or you can deal with the issues up front, I am stuck somewhere in the middle and it is a horrible place to be. The past year presented itself in a way that I would never want to go through again or wish upon my worst enemy. I lost and lost - a lot. Whether it was my love, my mother, my friends, my business or my children, I lost everything that I cared for in one calendar year of time. Nana used to always say to me when I was a young man, "If you think that you are doing bad, just look around and you'll find someone in worse shape than you are." She would follow with, "At least you have your health and you can breathe and you are above ground." Wise words for an old sage of a woman, I can still smell her when I think of her. 

but 

- my mind is convoluted with distrust, head on a swivel; looking around

what if I already exist as a corpse above ground, a ghost, floating and hovering, passing through tangible objects just to get through the day. What if, I am already dead, an apparition of muscle and bone that is lost, searching for his home. An aborigine, looks like my ancestor, whirs his bull roarer and - puff -- I am no longer - just dust floating through the spacial emptiness of time. I spin and turn, waiting to be caught in the escaping wind but instead I find myself intertwined between the feathers of Icarus. I cannot help but to weigh him down and together, spirit leaves body again and we drown. 

I cannot change the labyrinth in my mind, it is here that I exist for now

now is never forever

 - this is where I exist for now

but now is not forever

it is here that I exist for now

and to those that have left....  

?

- Have you ever been in love with someone so much that you started to hate them -
because they didn't love you back the way you wanted them to

she used to tell me this
before I began losing her

my words

my words
are that
...my words

they have no emotion or feeling until the are reflected off of the way you feel inside
if you do not like my words
change the way that you feel inside
because I will never be

silent

for any man
- ever -
and that’s
my word