Sometimes, I don't have words for the way that I feel and I have to rely on images and other types of mediums to get me through a blank spot. My words usually come, raw and uncensored or detailed and organized. Either way, they are the words that I use to relay to the world my thoughts and emotions, simply put, how I feel inside. Loss of something or someone is hard to overcome. You can choose to forget and move on or you can deal with the issues up front, I am stuck somewhere in the middle and it is a horrible place to be. The past year presented itself in a way that I would never want to go through again or wish upon my worst enemy. I lost and lost - a lot. Whether it was my love, my mother, my friends, my business or my children, I lost everything that I cared for in one calendar year of time. Nana used to always say to me when I was a young man, "If you think that you are doing bad, just look around and you'll find someone in worse shape than you are." She would follow with, "At least you have your health and you can breathe and you are above ground." Wise words for an old sage of a woman, I can still smell her when I think of her.
but
- my mind is convoluted with distrust, head on a swivel; looking around
what if I already exist as a corpse above ground, a ghost, floating and hovering, passing through tangible objects just to get through the day. What if, I am already dead, an apparition of muscle and bone that is lost, searching for his home. An aborigine, looks like my ancestor, whirs his bull roarer and - puff -- I am no longer - just dust floating through the spacial emptiness of time. I spin and turn, waiting to be caught in the escaping wind but instead I find myself intertwined between the feathers of Icarus. I cannot help but to weigh him down and together, spirit leaves body again and we drown.
I cannot change the labyrinth in my mind, it is here that I exist for now
now is never forever
- this is where I exist for now
but now is not forever
it is here that I exist for now
and to those that have left....
